“I’m not going to be your friend anymore!”
I’ve been seeing some of these emotional declarations at school recently, and have heard from at least one family about them happening at home too. I wanted to do a little write up about this kind of behavior, how I handle it at school, and some insight into impulses like this and, hopefully, some reassurance.
Bringing home the negative behaviors of other children does often come along with the other, more welcomed learning that happens at school. It's no fun to hear such negativity from such little mouths, but it is extremely common in the preschool years. Here is why children say things like this:
They are having big feelings and don’t know how to handle them, they want the depth of their feelings to be known
Making a sweeping declaration has a finality that feels like maybe it will solve their uncomfortable feelings or make it so they will never have to feel this way again
They heard other children do it and are curious what the reaction will be if they do it
They are looking for connection and reassurance that they are loveable even when they do or say things we don’t like
A child saying something like this does NOT mean they aren’t kind, don’t have empathy, don’t care about others’ feelings. Even children who are very caring and in tune with the feelings of others still do things like this when overwhelmed or upset. The skill to work on here isn’t empathy, it’s impulse control and self-regulation. They know they are doing something we don’t like, they just don’t know why or how to stop.
In the preschool ages, children encounter and practice much more complex social interaction than they previously have. They don’t tend to comprehend perspective-taking until they’re about 4 or 5; most children are unable to fully differentiate between imagination and reality until 3 to 4 years old. These skills are being worked on, they’re just not fully there. So, like with any other skill they are practicing but haven’t mastered, they need some help.
Impulse control is especially tricky. Some people say it is learned around 4. This might be true for physical impulses like hitting and biting, but learning how to curb emotional impulses and verbal outbursts really is a lifelong thing. Most adults are still learning how to manage frustrations in more healthy ways, and still have lots of moments they are less than proud of when upset.
Some examples of impulse control through the ages: a 1-year-old really can’t stop themselves from much at all, Nor do they understand why they would. 2-year-olds understand that biting and hitting hurt and make us upset, but have a very hard time catching their body before they do it. 2.5-3 year olds are learning to recognize the physical impulses and do something else with their hands or body, and often a really POSITIVE sign is them saying something like “I’m going to hit you!” This means that they are recognizing the impulse, know they don’t really want to do it, and are inadvertently asking for help stopping. My response to that is “Thank you for telling me and not doing it. I can help you stop.” 4 and 5 year olds who are taught to name and express emotions verbally turn these impulses into words like “I’m so mad at you!” and when they are feeling very strong and especially if they feel shameful about something, “I hate you”. We don’t want to hear that, but it’s still communicating something to us that is useful. They are showing some restraint by speaking instead of lashing out physically, and they are also showing us that they want to communicate their feelings, which is better than retreating, bottling, or hiding them. We can see this action as them saying “help me, I don’t know how to handle this” and “will you still love me even if I do hurtful things?” Remember, they came to you with this, so it feels like rejection to send them to a time-out or to make them go calm down alone. This type of punishment can also verify their fears that when they are emotional like this, they are unloveable or too hard to handle.
So how do I handle this when it comes up at school? Two different scenarios are a child saying “I don’t like [that child]” and a child saying “I don’t like you [my teacher]”. They also may say things like “I’m not going to be their friend” or “_____ is mean” or another big angry declaration. In the first situation when a child is talking about another child, I start by refuting the statement, so all the children hear, especially the child being referenced. Usually this sounds like “Oops, ouch, that is hurtful.” I try to not have too big of a reaction, because sometimes that is intriguing and makes children want to keep trying it out. Also, sometimes having a strong reaction can immediately make a child feel shamed, and learning can’t happen if they are feeling ashamed and/or defensive.
If the statement is about a child being mean, I’ll say “That isn’t true or helpful. Did they do something you didn’t like? If there is something you would like them to stop, we can talk about that.” If the child says they don’t like me, I already know that it isn’t true, I don’t need to refute it and get in a power struggle about whether or not they like me. I usually will say “You seem to be feeling pretty upset to say something like that.” and move onto curious mode.
In both scenarios, the next step is being curious. “Did something happen to make you say that?” or if I know what happened, “Did it make you so upset when I said no?” Hearing their perspective and having them look inward to figure out why they are feeling how they are is vital. We can’t move forward if a child is feeling shut down and not heard. So whether or not I agree with their behavior or that the situation warranted such a big reaction, I always agree with the fact that they are feeling upset. Feelings are never wrong, it’s just what they do with their feelings that can be harmful. When the child hears that they are understood and their feelings are valid, they are much more likely to move with us into problem solving mode, and we can be on the same team.
The next step is figuring out what is ok to do when these feelings come up. Because we know they will! we can reassure the child that having the feelings is normal, even if it’s uncomfortable. If they are still in the emotional part of their brain, they aren’t ready to learn and problem-solve, so this part can happen minutes or hours later when we are both feeling more regulated. This is when I come and say “This happened and you felt ___ and said ____. It’s ok to feel that way, but it’s hurtful to say that. Let’s find something else you can say when you’re feeling upset at me [or them].” Asking the child for some ideas first really sends the message that you’re on a team with them, rather than being against them. If they can’t come up with something, I usually suggest things like “You can say “I’m so mad!” or “I don’t like that!!”” Then I ask them to practice saying it to me, especially with some emphasis like they really are upset. This helps build the neural pathways and makes it easier to repeat when they are in the moment next timeBecause when they're in their emotional brain, they're not able to learn and change.
If you have a sensitive child, like mine, who reacts very strongly to correction, it helps to have a good moment of connection or fun after this conversation. At home, my husband and I have a bit that we do with our sons when they need some reassurance, which is just us saying playfully “what could make me stop loving you?” and then saying “NOTHING!” and bringing them in for kisses or tummy raspberries. Just a few minutes of saying “What if I don’t see you for a long time, do I stop loving you?” “Nooooo!” and “What if you do something I don’t like, will I stop loving you?” “Nooooooo!” and “What if I get really mad, do I stop loving you?” and every time he says “Nooooo!” and gets kisses. It’s helpful to remember that play is children’s love language, and it goes a long way.
So, if this happens at home, please remember it is just a part of growing up, learning socialization and emotional literacy, and testing behavior, which children are wired to do. If your child really didn’t like you, they wouldn’t feel comfortable telling you so. The reason they say this to you is because you are their safe person and they need to know that you always will be. Of course, being permissive and allowing the behavior is actually NOT showing them that you are their safe person, because a trusted loved one will not let us get out of control and do things we don’t like but can’t stop. holding boundaries and giving the clear message that these statements aren’t ok is important in showing your child that you are stable, even when they themselves can’t be. So if (and, really–when) this happens, try your best to accept your child and their emotions while helping them learn how to replace the behavior with a more positive one. That’s what they need from us.
